I thought I was done with photography.
That is until I took a weekend trip to the desert. Arizona to be more exact. See, at 28 years old, I thought that photography had nothing more to offer me. I wasn't going to be a National Geographic photographer or a music photographer, or one of those that has their work hanging in galleries. Those types of jobs seemed completely unattainable - kind of like having a crush on a celebrity. You love to admire them, but you know you don't actually stand a chance. I studied art and photography in college, not because I was thinking I was going to make any kind of career out of it, but because 19 year old me didn't even know what she wanted to do tomorrow let alone as a whole career. So I picked something that I knew I enjoyed - art - and I focused in photography because I had taken a class or two in high school and enjoyed it. On the first day of class the professor asked us what we wanted to do with photography, career wise, and I went totally blank. I had not thought that far ahead. But apparently everyone else had because one by one they spoke with confidence about their career paths - or at least they seemed confident to a very insecure, very confused 19 year old. BTW this is why we are not meant to make huge career path choices fresh out of high school. We're children who have no idea what the fuck is going on and don't have the foresight to look ahead. But THAT is a totally different blog post.
So slowly over the course of four years I came to loath photography. And honestly, looking back on it from my current perspective, what I really loathed was myself. I wasn't talented enough, or deep enough, or motivated enough, and the list goes on. On top of that I didn't have a community because I never clicked with anyone in my classes. The result? I felt alone and very inadequate. Really I just didn't see myself as a photographer. I didn't have the life experience to know what I wanted or where I was going and I couldn't picture having a career or running a business. Friends and family asked me to photograph them all the time but eventually, when asked I would simply say that I didn't do that anymore.
A few years later I got a job doing graphic design for a small software company and I really enjoyed it. It allowed me to spend my days being creative and in turn I felt important. Of course, photography never really left me. There was always a little fire inside me that burned for that artform. I read books about photographers that I admired and followed so many of them on social media. Eventually this led me to a photographer named Tessa Tadlock. I stumbled upon her Instagram one day and I was just blown away by her work. She was a wedding and elopement photographer who took photos of these couples in stunning locations in a way that I had never seen before. Pre Tessa, I hadn't so much as blinked at wedding photography because it always felt too formal. But Tessa's photos were interesting and vibrant. They exuded love and adventure. So I hit that follow button.
It was through Tessa's Instagram page that I discovered that there was an entire online world of photographers who shared their knowledge though coaching and workshops. So when I saw that Tessa, along with her friend and fellow photographer Olivia Markel were running 'Yellow Workshop', I was super intrigued but had no idea why. After all, I liked my job a lot and didn't think anything was missing. And then of course there was that damn inner critic gaslighting me in every possible way. It blows my mind how we can talk ourselves out of so many things when we allow that imposter syndrome to get really loud. Luckily my intuition was just a bit louder. Something in me was pulling me to just do the damn thing so I decided I would go for a fun...like pursuing a hobby. Anything to try and validate my choice to spend money on treating myself. And it ended up being some of the best money I have ever spent.
When I tell you that I stepped out into the Arizona sun and a fire was ignited in me....I'm only slightly exaggerating. It was the perfect storm of motivation to kick my ass into gear. A stunning location, gorgeous weather, three incredible styled shoots and most importantly, a community of women all at different points in their careers to embrace and inspire me. My confidence exploded. I was learning from so many amazing photographers and creating photographs that I was so, so proud of. My love for photography was reignited in a BIG way! Not only was this kind of photography fun and meaningful but it felt ATTAINABLE. I saw other women who were living this life and they had freedom in their careers and their day to day. And really, just like that, I knew I had to give this a shot. For the first time I felt like there was actually a place for me. I cannot stress enough the importance of having a support system to inspire you and to lift you back up when you get down on yourself - which you will - it's part of the process and part of life. Art doesn't have to be this deep, brooding, intense thing for it to be meaningful. Freezing a real moment that means something to someone? That means something to me and is the magic of an artform like photography.
So, I trusted my intuition and guided myself right to where I needed to be. The lesson? When that little voice inside you calls you to something, someone, somewhere...listen to it! I went to the desert on a feeling, unsure of what I was looking for. But what I found was a beautiful, supportive community, my own intuition, and an inner fire that I no longer wanted to put out. Now, as I navigate this road I have chosen, I try to tap into that intuitive voice and let it guide me to what's next.
